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Finding Myself on the Bookshelf

It’s a tale as old as time, but growing up and being in the closet, life wasn’t always the easiest. Hell, even after coming out things were still pretty tough. You’re constantly worried that people might know your secret, or spending all your energy trying to hide things. You just want to feel like you belong, but opening up about yourself even a little can feel incredibly dangerous.

I looked for representation everywhere, as I’m sure a lot of other queer people did (and probably still do) around that age. If a TV show or movie had a gay character, or even an entire storyline devoted to something gay, I was watching it. I’m especially looking at you, MTV’s Undressed.

The internet was still a young thing then, and having access to it at your own home was a rarity. And forget smartphones, the iPhone was only a twinkle in Steve Jobs’ eye. So aside from very rare sightings on the big and small screens, the only real place I had to turn to were books.

So I hit the library. It wasn’t necessarily that I knew there were a lot of queer themes to be found, but they were much more accessible. Of course I wasn’t ever gonna find much in a high school library beyond Greek and Roman myths – but that was still something.

I devoured everything I could find, and then reread them all over and over. I learned about Apollo and Hyacinth, Achilles and Patroclus, Zeus and Ganymede. Anything I could find, no matter how questionable it may have been, I loved. But it still wasn’t enough.

Thankfully there was the public library downtown, which was only a bus ride away. And they didn’t just have books there – they also had computers with internet access! For a couple of years, I spent basically every single day after school downtown for at least a few hours before catching another bus home.

The books I found there were much more substantial, though still darker than I had hoped. I became very well acquainted with the “bury your gays” trope. And if it wasn’t death, many times something else horrible would befall the main character or his lover. But still, it was something. I was getting to read real stories about queer people like me, even written by other queer people.

I really wish I could remember the titles of some of those books so I could share them with you now. Of particular note was a story about a long-lived vampire discovering his long-dead lover had been reincarnated in modern times. It was probably my first exposure to queer fiction.

One book series I do remember the name of and cared for a lot was recommended to me by another friend in high school. The Last Herald-Mage by Mercedes Lackey. This trilogy of books is centered around a young man named Vanyel who dreams of being a magically gifted bard. While living at the magic school known as Haven, he meets Tylendel, another protege mage. The two develop a bond that starts as friendship, before turning romantic.

Vanyel’s romance with Tylendel sets him on a long and treacherous path for the rest of his life, one fraught with danger and tragedy at every turn. Though I cannot say this trilogy of books escapes many of the painful tropes I have previously  mentioned, it was still one of the most positive portrayals of queer characters and relationships than I had ever seen.

More than that, it wasn’t just a story about queer characters and their relationships, it was a full blown fantasy novel! There was deep worldbuilding, thoughtful storytelling, and multiple other books set in the same world. Its characters were well written with complex motivations and desires. It was everything I had ever wanted.

It was also the book that really made me think about becoming a writer myself. I started making up stories and characters, first in my head before one day finally writing them down. I knew queer people deserved to see themselves in stories the way that I did. Being able to find my voice in those books helped shape me into who I am today, and I only hope I can do the same with my own.

You can find work by Dominic N. Ashen here:

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Representation Matters

Representation Matters. It’s a phrase tossed around in headlines and hashtags, but it’s worth far more than a moment’s righteous satisfaction. I could offer a laundry list of reasons why it’s important. For now, I’ll narrow it down to the most significant two.

  1. Self-Worth

When I was a little girl, I read hundreds of stories. Within those pages, I found characters with similar goals, ideals, personality traits, perspectives, emotions, and interests, yet most of them were boys. And, not a single one looked like me. 

So, I wrote.

I wrote stories, where little girls excelled at sports and beat the boys…because I did. I wrote stories, where little girls were the smartest in their class…because I was. And my favorite of the stories I wrote was about a young she-wolf, who overthrew the patriarchy and led her pack to a better society. 

I’m still working on that.

As exciting as these stories were for me, the sad reality was that despite tossing gender stereotypes to the wind, the concept of a white protagonist was so ingrained in me that my heroines, when human, were white. Even my characters didn’t look like me. 

And, why would they? As young children, all of us are exposed to prejudiced attitudes. These attitudes—expressed repeatedly in books and other media—gradually distort children’s perceptions until negative stereotypes and myths about people outside of the majority are accepted as reality. By the time I started writing, I’d been exposed to thousands of words and images featuring white characters as protagonists, highlighting Caucasian features as good, attractive, and right. 

Which meant what I saw in the mirror was bad, ugly, and wrong.

When I did finally find characters who resembled my wrong face—the nameless mulatto girl, seemingly referenced for no other reason than to prove the white protagonist was kind to servants—it was too late. My developing mind had already been taught, “The world isn’t built for you. You’re not normal. And, you’re only here to serve those who are.”

If this is the effect of merely my race not being represented in literature, consider the impact on the other intersections of my identity. What if, in addition to not being white enough, I’m also not straight enough? (I’m not.) What if I’m not young enough? (I’m not.) What if I’m not thin enough? (Are women ever?)

We read literature to learn about life, to immerse ourselves in stories and experience them as an insider. Being constantly cast as an outsider chips away at our sense of value. 

And unfortunately, the adverse effects are not limited to those who are rendered invisible or reduced to stunted stereotypes. Even compassionate members of the majority, whose story and likeness are often part of the narrative, may not see how lack of fair representation negatively affects them, too.

Which brings me to…

  1. Perception 

My experience querying agents with my first manuscript led to several unfortunate responses, not based on the quality of my story, but questioning the validity of my black characters. More specifically, “they did not sound authentically black.” 

As if there is only one way to exist as a black person.

Countering this myth is part of what drives the Own Voices movement—the push in recent years to have more people telling their own stories. Yet when it comes to getting published, many underrepresented authors are shut out because the publishers say they already have “a black story” or “a gay story.” 

In 2009, Chimamanda Adichie gave a Ted Talk called The Danger of a Single Story. In it, she states, “The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story.”

This not only skews people’s perceptions, but can lead to dangerous prejudices that we don’t even recognize. Exposing readers to a wide variety of representations challenges stereotypes and other harmful preconceived notions about those who identify differently from them. 

For example, there are innumerable ways for someone to live with a disability. Queerness is so multifaceted even people within the community lose track. And when you compare the lives of Stacey Abrams, Lenny Kravitz, Laverne Cox, Colin Kaepernick, and Meghan Markle, how can anyone believe there is only one black experience?

If we are to improve awareness for the intersections of underrepresentation in the world, we must make space for more stories outside the dominant narratives. And we as authors are uniquely qualified to blaze the trail toward more inclusive perspectives.

I offer three steps to help pave the way.

  1. Read more inclusively. 

Seek out books written by and about people whose identities differ from yours. The more we learn about other communities, cultures, and perspectives, the more worldly and knowledgeable we are about ourselves and our own surroundings. That in turn will fuel your art and enrich the stories you tell.

  1. Write more inclusively.

Populate your stories with a cast of characters from a variety of backgrounds. When it comes to race, ethnicity, age, gender, gender identity, gender expression, religion, sexual orientation, ability, class, and economic status, we do not live in a homogenous society. If we are to be true to our art, the same should be true for our stories. 

Let’s work toward writing inclusive books as a collective goal—books with diverse characters, books that challenge the dominant narratives, books that offer more accurate reflections of the real world. Over time, we can diminish that sense of otherness, disempowering it so that the next generation of readers will understand they were not only seen, they were valued.

  1. Share your stories.

At a certain point, I recognized that if I wanted see more stories for me out there, it fell to me to write them. If I didn’t, who would? Now all my stories feature mixed black women (with cats, because ailurophiles deserve representation, too).

If you are an author from an underrepresented community, consider sharing the various nuances of your lived experience through your characters. Your stories don’t have to revolve around this underrepresented element. You can write a man in a wheelchair running for president. You can write a queer character whose biggest moment in life had nothing to do with coming out. You can build a world in any genre, using these qualities to create any type of character you want. An amputee assassin. A transgender trapezist. A Chinese cheesemonger. My idea of a great protagonist is a biracial vampire queen, but hey, to each his/her/their/eir own.

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Juneteenth

In the last few years we have heard more and more about it, especially since agencies, companies, and states began to recognize it as a holiday, giving their employees a day off and another excuse to throw burgers on the grill. At the risk of sounding too political, there are two schools of thought around the day: Those who believe it to be unnecessary for another **black holiday** and those who see the importance of recognizing the true end of slavery and the civil war. 

For a quick history lesson, Juneteenth, or June 19th, (Also called Jubilee Day, Emancipation Day, Freedom Day, and Black Independence Day) is the  day to commemorate when the final battalion of around 2,000 Federal Army troops marched into Galveston Bay, Texas, and did what slave owners in that town failed to do: informed the over 250,000 men, women, and children of African descent that they were free from slavery by executive decree of the Emancipation Proclamation. June 19, 1865 marked the historic end to slavery across the United States of America. It is important to note that although the Emancipation Proclamation was signed in by President Abraham Lincoln on January 1, 1863, and the American Civil War technically ended on May 26, 1865, it took an entire two years, and three and a half weeks, before the news made it to the great state of Texas. So while others consider this to be black history, it’s actually documented American history and part of our story of becoming “a more perfect union.” 

As an African American, a first generation born African, and a proud American, celebrating Juneteenth means more to me than a day off. Considering that slaves weren’t allowed to read or write, the simple fact that I am able to express myself through the written word is enough to put a warm spot of pride in my chest. From a time when a person of black skin was considered three-fifths of a man and property of another, to a time when Americans of African descent have graduate degrees, and are entrepreneurs, doctors, lawyers, hold public office, even the highest office in the land. From a world where women who looked like me could barely hold onto their children, to a world where people like me own land and property where our children and grandchildren and great grandchildren continue to be free. That is what Juneteenth means to me.

On June 17, 2021, President Joe Biden signed into law the observance of Juneteenth as a federal holiday. It also marked the first time in almost forty years that the United States established a federal holiday, the last one being Martin Luther King Jr. Day in 1983, another seemingly **black holiday**. As more and more people embrace the history of this historic day, I am reminded of the words of James Baldwin (who was a grandson of a slave), a prolific writer, author, and social activist in the 20th century: “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” Observing Juneteenth is a way of facing the tragedy of our past, and looking at how far we have come as a nation. 

And by no means does the celebration of Juneteenth implies that racism, discrimination, and prejudice is over. Too this day there are countless stories of people of color killed at the hands of others who continue to see our melanin as a threat. But it is a reminder that there are those who stood on the right side of justice, and would not stop until we all experience that same level of freedom.

So have your parties, your barbecues, your day to relax at the beach, or camping under the stars. Just remember to put up your red, black, and green Pan-African flag alongside your red, white, and blue one. The colors are different, but the meaning behind them are one in the same: Hope.  Unity. Equality. Freedom. 

Happy Juneteenth!

Love,

Eskay Kabba